Olympics Day Nine
Monica Puig’s victory in the women’s tennis singles means that Puerto Rico joins Vietnam, Kosovo, Fiji and Singapore as the fifth nation at these games to earn its first ever gold medal.

An embarrassed President of Somalia, Hassan Sheikh Mahamoud, rakes his Minister for Sport over the coals, Somalia now prominent among the “nations of shame” who refuse to take the Olympics seriously and win a medal.

If only Somalis had their own Channel Seven, where they could parade athletic heroes across breakfast television, and get a taste of how a gold medal fuels a nation’s psyche? Then they’d surely try harder – poverty, starvation and civil war would be reduced to mere irritants.

The delightful Morgan Mitchell gets schooled in the women’s 400m but, in making the semi-final at 21 years old, she’s one to watch out for in Tokyo in 2020. Tamsyn Lewis-Manou sagely observes that “she needs to work on her speed”. Thanks scoop.

In the wake of Ryan Lochte being robbed at gun-point, Miss Kitty formally bans Australian team members from visiting the Copocabana and Ipanema districts after dark. And from associating with Robert Allenby.

Gold medal favourite, the Kookaburras, who haven’t been off the podium since 1988, are eliminated in their quarter-final, 0-4 to the Netherlands – pre-Olympics dummy-spitter, Kieran Govers seemingly vindicated.

At least theirs is a comprehensive defeat. New Zealand’s Black Sticks lead their quarter-final against Germany 2-0 with just four minutes remaining, until they concede three times at the death to lose 2-3.

Two goals in the last 45 seconds. The last with 1.8 seconds to go. The New Zealand mental skills coach heads straight to seek.com, his German counterpart straight to the Casino.

As if to rub salt into the wound, the final goal is scored by Florian Fuchs.

Wayde Van Niekerk, in front of Michael Johnson no less, demolishes the men’s 400m field in world record time. Awesome stuff for the rainbow nation.

Not enough to upstage Usain Bolt however, who gives Justin Gatlin two metres head start, before reeling him in for his seventh gold medal, posing for happy snaps on the way. Only 16 more to go to match Phelps.

Noticing the ratings success of Ten’s ‘The Bachelor’, Channel Seven arranges for Qin Kai to propose to silver medal winning diver He Zi, immediately following her medal ceremony, and

Social media reaction ranges from “why can’t he use Tinder like everyone else?” to those critical of him taking the gloss off her silver medal moment.

Brazilian officials are just relieved that their efforts to drain the diving pool and change the water have paid off – their moment would have lost something in front of a slime green pool.

Day 10
A heat of the men’s 1,000m canoe features a competitor with the country abbreviation STP. The first reader to correctly name the country without looking it up wins a courtside seat at the Beach Volleyball, 2020 Tokyo games Beach Volleyball, in the role of official brusher of sand from between the competitor’s bum cheeks.

(Clue: no he doesn’t have a nasty disease, and it’s not the refugee team)

For anyone who missed the women’s 10km marathon swim, go and put some washing in the machine, add soap powder, turn it on, and watch. That’s what you missed.

The Hockeyroos follow the Kookaburras out the quarter-final backdoor, well beaten, 2-4 by New Zealand. Two high-profile, highly ranked teams exiting well before the medals, the first time since 1984. Anyone feel a review coming on?

Ruth Jebet from Bahrain wins the 3000 metres women’s steeplechase, making it a sixth country gaining their first Olympics gold medal. The Somali Sports Minister is recalled to the palace, taken out the back and shot.

A bushfire forces evacuations from around the Deodoro location for BMX and Mountain Biking. The local volunteer fire chief explains that the fire could have been put out earlier but their new EBA means that they had to wait for Victorian United Firefighters Union Secretary Peter Marshall to arrive before they were allowed to dispatch a crew.

Channel Seven’s ‘Sunrise’ features an expert panel of champions, containing Robbie McEwen, Melinda Gainsford-Taylor and Jana Pittman. Their switchboard is jammed by viewers calling to claim their prize, for picking the odd person out.

Kochie avoids asking the hard questions; in 2009 Pittman revealed that she had breast implant surgery only to announce in 2010 that she had them removed, only to add later that she would reconsider having them put back in again once her running career was over.

Viewers are left none the wiser – are they in or are they out? To be fair, Pittman looks well; it’s good to see taxpayer dollars spent to good effect.

Australian medical room condom update; original allocation 10,000, current stock, 5,684. A perfect storm, the Matildas get over their shoot-out disappointment, and the rowing program concludes.

Would have been even lower but the men’s sevens rugby team are called out by Miss Kitty, in best ‘Dead Kennedy’s’ style, as being too drunk f…ind their way back to the athlete’s village.

The Roar


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